No Way To Go, a Black and Blue story
by Orion Lyonesse
Summary: When a fifteen year old Vila first meets a seventeen year old Avon, Avon is about to jump off a bridge. What Vila does has repercussions across the years. A/V. Hurt, comfort, angst, crimes, prisons, loves.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I suppose this could be considered an AU, but it does fit in and around the B7 canon quite comfortably.

As usual, I don't own any of these characters. I just mess with their heads for the fun of it.

Chapter One

Avon sat in the holding cell on a cot in the corner, watching the other prisoners with a heavy heart. His dark eyes were bleak, haunted by memories of Anna, dead now and beyond pain and terror. He drew up his knees and rested his rams and head on them, willing himself into unthinking oblivion and, he hoped, invisibility, as far as the other prisoners were concerned.

He heard the cell door open again. Yet another prisoner was thrust into the already crowded holding area, the last step before Cygnus Alpha. His mind was in neutral, his body numb, when a hand fell on his shoulder.

***

Avon plodded along the street, not knowing, not caring where he was. He'd started walking outside his crèche, but he'd paid no attention to his direction.

It didn't really matter.

Alone. No one knows or cares. His thoughts chased each other around and around and around in his head.

Going nowhere. As he was.

He vaguely remembered happier times. He'd been perhaps three or four when officials had forced his parents to part with their lively, playful, happy, dark-haired son. His obvious potential had been noted and it was determined he'd do better in the crèche, even though, legally, his parents could have kept him until he was six.

He remembered playing. He remembered laughing. He remembered his mother crying and his father standing grim-faced with his arms around her as officials dragged their child away, screaming for them.

They were dead now; he had no family to turn to. Even his brother, six years older, was gone, sent off-world years before, and not a word since.

It hadn't been so bad, in the crèche. Classed by age, but educated by aptitude, he'd gone far in classes, but was housed with his own age group. His intellectual superiority, though, made him mostly an outsider, even there. At least he'd know them, had history with them, however painful.

Now even that was over. "Graduation" meant his age group would be dispersed into the general population into predetermined jobs. Everyone he'd ever known would be gone. He just couldn't face it. He'd left the crèche and walked away into the darkness.

When he became aware that he was crossing an overpass, he had the impulse to escape from it all, forever. Why hadn't he thought of that before? It was so simple.

He climbed atop the grimy parapet. Standing there, staring down in the dark silence, at the pools of lamplight far below, he didn't hear the approach of another soul out late alone until he spoke.

"Hey, that's no way to go, guy!"

The dark-haired gangly youth turned slowly from his contemplation of the pavement several stories below the bridge abutment to face a younger blond boy leaning against a nearby light pole.

"I'm Vila Restal. Who're you?"

"Go away," came his flat reply. The dark opaque eyes swung away again, as though he were already dead.

Perhaps, Vila thought, he already is dead, in his own mind.

"Nope. I'll just stand here and wait."

Without turning his eyes toward Vila, the young man absently asked, "Wait for what?"

"For you to decide," came the infuriating reply, shedding no light whatsoever on the one-sided conversation.

Unaccountably irritated, Avon turned to the boy and demanded sharply, "For me to decide what?"

"Whether you really want to be a grease spot on Upper Isling Way's pavement," he replied equably.

"And what business is it of yours, anyway?" He was turning toward Vila now, with his whole body, inching away from the edge, just as Vila'd intended.

"None, really. I'd just like to know what a fine Alpha is doing jumping off my Delta bridge and making a mess of my Delta pavement." This raised the dark youth's ire, the hot flush of anger spreading into all the cold and almost dead corners of his mind and body.

In his soul, though, untouched, lay the ice.

Arching an elegant eyebrow at Vila, he stepped down and stood nose to nose with the blond youth, arrogance and fury warring across his dark face. "As an Alpha, I can go anywhere and do anything I want. And right now I want to jump off your Delta bridge. All right?"

Vila's kept his voice low and reasonable. "Do you really? Want to jump…to die?" His brow furrowed, as though he was trying to get his mind around a completely incomprehensible idea.

The youth rocked back as though Vila had hit him. His face closed. His ire died. Suddenly he gulped, looking fearfully at the edge of the bridge. Going sheet white, he sank to the pavement, leaning his back against the parapet, gulping for air.

Vila, with concern evident in his voice and actions, knelt beside him. "You okay, friend?"

"No, I'm not okay. Maybe I will be. Eventually." He looked up from the ground into Vila's warm brown eyes. "Thanks...I think."

"Why?" Vila began. "I mean, it can't be…"

"…as bad as all that.?" His eyes grew bleak again, his voice hollow and soft. "Oh, yes, it could." He went silent, staring off into the dark. Trying to see a future for himself.

He saw nothing.

Vila protested, "But…you're an Alpha! You can do anything, have anything. You said so yourself."

He laughed softly, a sound remarkably close to a sob. "Oh, yes, all the privilege and possessions one could want, but…" he hesitated, glancing sideways at Vila, fearful that he was about to reveal too much of himself to this Delta stranger, "no warmth, no…human touch. It's all so…cold among the Alpha upper class. I've no family. I was raised in a crèche, taught to excel at all costs, never question, never let friends get in the way of success in anything. Sterile covers it quite adequately. I…just couldn't take it any longer." He fell silent, head bowed, hands hanging limply across his drawn up knees.

A very perceptive Vila wouldn't let it rest there. "I doubt that's all of it. Something must have pushed you over the edge. What?" He knew he was begin pushy, but something about this dark-eyed youth drew him.

"I…graduated…from the crèche. I have to…leave…to make my own way in the world…alone. I just can't face a life alone!" The last word forced its way out through clenched teeth. Looking Vila squarely in the face, he demanded, "Can you imagine a life without anyone? No friends, no family, not even classmates? Can you?" He waited for Vila's answer, anger and desolation in his face and tension holding his body hostage.

Shocked, Vila burst out, "No, I can't! Deltas would never do that to each other! My family is huge, what with aunts, uncles, and cousins added in with my own brothers and sisters. There's always someone around to help you out." He drove his hand through his longish sandy hair. "It's hard to even imagine being alone and in trouble like you are, with no one to care, no one to help."

Vila sat quietly for several moments, ideas flitting visibly across his face. He opened his mouth twice to speak but left his words unsaid as newer ideas asserted themselves. Avon watched in puzzled fascination at the inner workings of this Delta's mind.

It was definitely a novel experience for the young Alpha. He'd been taught that Deltas were just workers, nothing more. He'd never actually talked with one, except to order him or her around. There wasn't any reason to talk to them, was there? They weren't very intelligent, had at most a very basic existence. No aspirations. No life.

At last Vila spoke, asking, "What's your name?"

The Alpha answered cautiously, "Avon. Kerr Avon."

"Well, let's see what we can do about your problem. Come on, let's go!" He stood and offered his hand to Avon.

Astonished by this sudden turn of events, Avon automatically grabbed his hand and stood up, fastidiously dusting off his clothes.

Vila however had already started off across the bridge, calling over his shoulder, "Well, come on!".

Avon shrugged, jogging to catch up, muttering, "Crazy Delta!"

***

Avon followed Vila through darkened streets, past tenements and closed stores, then up the steps of one apartment house no different from those on either side of it. While the outside was dark, the halls inside were alive with light and people.

Some folks sat talking on old furniture or perched on stair steps. Children played loud boisterous games wherever they could find room. Mothers hollered for attention, fathers debated, youths played their mating games in out-of-the-way corners.

Avon was stunned and fascinated and overwhelmed by it all. He felt like he'd been transported into another dimension.

Vila stopped by an apartment door labeled "RESTAL" and put his hand out to stop Avon. "This is home to my family," he explained. "It's almost suppertime, so there'll be a lot of us home. It's bound to be crowded and noisy, but you're welcome here. If it's all right, I'll introduce you only as Avon, a friend of mine. Okay?" He seemed uncertain whether he'd gone too far with this Alpha or not.

"Sure, Vila. Whatever you say, I guess."

Nodding, Vila opened the door and led Avon into a swirling sea of children and adults, all of it overlaid with the smells of incipient supper. Calling across the room, Vila hollered, "Mum, I've brought a friend for dinner. Okay?"

An older blond woman bearing a striking resemblance to Vila looked up a moment and waved a hand in assent. "It's no problem, Vila. See that the kids have the table set, will you?" Then she turned back to working on the meal.

"See? I told you it would be crowded! Come on into the dining room, I have to check on my little cousins." Weaving their way around a kids' card game and a heated argument between two middle-aged men, they arrived in the dining room in time to stop a silverware fight between an eight year old girl and a seven year old boy.

"Here! Stop that, Jake, Sarah. Mum said set the table, not use it for warfare! Now get busy, or she'll tan your hides for your!"

"Oh, all right, Uncle Vila," the girl said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "I was winning anyway!"

"Were not!" the boy retorted, sticking out his tongue at her. Looking up at Vila, he said, "Okay, if you say so." Both children set to work as Vila and Avon turned away.

As the kids finished, the whole family began trooping in to take seats, just as several women, Vila's mother among them, brought large bowls and platters of food to the table. Vila led Avon to the middle of one of the long sides and seated them between a pair of giggling teenage girls who kept peering sideways at Avon and old couple Vila identified as his grandparents.

In a daze, Avon passed plates, answered questions, and joined in the laughter after jokes and outrageous puns were told. It was quite the most unusual evening meal that Avon had ever experienced.

Afterward, Vila offered, "Come back to my room for the bit, till things settle down. At least it's quiet there." Vila led the way down the hall and opened the last door. The room was small and crowded and lived in, to Avon's eyes. Certainly nothing like the austere, antiseptic dorm room he had shared with eleven other age mates at the crèche.

Vila flopped down on the neatly made bed, leaving the lone chair for his guest. "So what'd'ya think of the family?" he asked happily.

Avon blinked, unsure what was expected of him. "Uh, Vila, what am I doing here? You stop me from jumping off that damn bridge and drag me into a sea of your relatives and then ask me what I think of them? I'm confused. Please explain yourself before I get a headache."

Vila propped himself up on one elbow. Sucking in his bottom lip, he regarded Avon. "Well, it's like this. You're down because you're alone, right? In this house, you're seldom alone even when you want to be alone! The family is all around you, all the time. And," Vila went suddenly shy, "you're welcome to come here any time you want." He looked seriously at Avon. "I…want to be your friend. Between the family and me, you won't ever have to be alone for long, now, will you?"

Avon was silent for so long, just staring at Vila, that the younger boy was becoming acutely uncomfortable. Finally, Avon smiled, a sight that Vila felt he could get to like quite a lot. "Vila, I'd like that…to have you for a friend. Your…family is overwhelming in it's abundance and…exuberance." He laughed. "I'm not sure I can handle those two cousins of yours I sat next to, though. I think they were trying to put the make on me over dessert!"

Vila joined in the laughter. "You're right, they were! They'll get over it though. They go through these phases every other week."

Suddenly serious again, Vila sat up on the edge of the bed, face to face with Avon in the small room. "Avon, if I have my way, you'll never be alone again by choice. Think you can live with that?" The subtle emphasis on the word 'live' was not lost on Avon.

"Yes, I think I can, if…you'll let me be your friend too."

Vila nodded and smiled happily. "I think that can be arranged."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I guess I do own Master Elbe, though why I'd want to, I don't know!

Chapter Two

As Avon left work, he noticed Vila leaning in a building corner, inconspicuous as only a thief could be. If Avon hadn't long ago become sensitized to Vila's presence, he wouldn't have seen Vila either. By now Avon knew that Vila was a journeyman thief. He'd even seen Vila's Master Elbe at a distance, once.

At seventeen, Vila was still a rangy colt of a man, growing and changing each time Avon saw him, it seemed. With his long blond hair clubbed back and tied, he appeared even younger. His nondescript clothes in muted grays and browns were not flattering. Somehow, Avon pictured Vila in ruby red and gold and sapphire, though he'd never seen Vila wear those colors. The baggy jumpsuit, he knew, concealed many hidden pockets and tools, as well as a well developed body and a very nice ass.

Avon continued on his way, giving no sign that he'd seen Vila. Shortly he found Vila in step beside him.

"What's the matter? Bad day?"

Vila's head snapped up. "How'd you know?"

"You never wait here unless something's on your mind. Something serious. Usually you pick me up much closer to my apartment."

"Well, okay, you're right. But I don't want to talk about it here." He gestured to the crowds of workers surrounding them. He continued, handing Avon a fistful of something, "Oh, and here's your wallet and watch. Just practice, ya know." He smiled disarmingly at Avon's expression of dismay, as his friend automatically patted his empty pockets.

"I didn't feel a thing!"

Vila smirked. "I would hope not," he said, managing to sound affronted. "I'm much too good for that. Even my apprentices are too good. Really! The very idea…" he trailed off, muttering and shaking his head.

Then Vila turned and eyed Avon appraisingly. "You know, I could teach you to pick pockets and locks and things like scams and security systems. I am a journeyman and teacher. You'd be good at it too, I bet."

Avon laughed at the idea of an Alpha picking pockets!

Then he got a crafty look on his dark, handsome face, considering the lockpicking and security system angles and revised his opinion. Although he was confident that, given time, he could break into anything or anyplace protected by a computer, he grew fascinated by the thought of new techniques he might pick up.

"You're on, Vila. We'll discuss it. Later," he said, gesturing around them as Vila had earlier.

It was Vila's turn to laugh, delighted at the idea of teaching his Alpha friend anything, let alone thievery! It sounded like fun, with such an able and quick student.

Avon's apartment was small but neat and tidy, even his work area. His 'tinkering' was never-ending and usually frustrating, since his very junior position paid little enough to live on, let alone buy 'extras' in the way of electronic equipment or components. Avon yearned for even a junior post in research, one that would give him access to better equipment.

Hanging up his jacket, Avon turned to find Vila sitting cross-legged on the floor. For the life of him, Avon couldn't' understand Vila's preference for the floor. Taking his own favorite chair, with its better lighting and neatly stacked books and papers, he inquired, "Now. Are you ready to tell me what's bothering you?" He was then treated to the sight of Vila squirming and blushing. Avon caught himself thinking, he looks so…vulnerable. That's just not like him.

Vila began uncertainly, "Well, ah, it's this girl, see." He glanced up from his study of his hands to catch Avon smiling indulgently. Rushing on before he had a chance to freeze up, Vila explained, "She's another journeyman with Elbe. Anyway, we tried to…you know…make love…and I couldn't!" he burst out at the end, averting his eyes from Avon's in favor of the tile pattern on the floor.

At his friend's short bark of laughter, Vila reacted in unthinking anger. "You didn't have to laugh! It's not funny! Just because you're two years older doesn't mean you can judge me!"

"Oh, Vila," Avon said, shaking his head. "It's not that. I just figured, coming from such a large prolific family, you'd know the facts of life already. I mean, we were taught that in the crèche at thirteen and merrily experimented on each other."

"Come on, Avon, I know that stuff too," he said disgustedly. "I've been with girls before. I'm seventeen, for gods' sake! It's just that…this time I couldn't…you know…perform. I'm afraid there's something wrong with me!" he finished in anguish.

Avon didn't laugh this time. He saw that Vila was seriously disturbed by this…non-happening, as it were, and needed advice and comfort from his best friend. Gracefully sliding out of his chair, he came to sit on the floor next to Vila. But when he tried to throw a comforting arm about Vila's shoulders, he was startled by the almost vehement shake Vila gave to dislodge it.

A frown creasing his forehead, Avon tilted his head inquiringly at Vila. "There's more to it that that, isn't there? You came to me," he pointed out. "You'll have to tell me everything," he ended reasonably.

Then he waited.

Vila refused to meet his eyes but continued his story. "Oh, yes, there's more to it." He was trying not to show emotion, but failing miserably to Avon's expert eyes. "See, I've been chasing this girl a long time. Since before I even knew you. I…thought she was everything I wanted, the one I could take home to Mum and the family, maybe marry and set up housekeeping with. All those old-fashioned ideals my family believes in. But…when it came right down to the physical act, I…found I wasn't interested in her body." He stopped, afraid he'd stressed that one word too much for his own comfort.

It hadn't been lost on Avon, however. Suddenly, all the clues and mysterious actions and references solidified into one breathtaking reality. He sat quietly a few moments, willing his breathing to a semblance of normalcy he didn't feel but knew he had to project if he wasn't to send Vila screaming out of his life forever. That thought, being alone again and without Vila, gave him the strength he needed to steady his nerves.

"Her body?" he inquired gently. "Just whose body were you interested in?" He hoped he wasn't going too far, too fast.

Vila leaped up, a coiled spring suddenly released and bouncing about the room. "Your body, okay?" he spat out, ceasing his pacing abruptly to stand, hands on hips, glaring down at Avon.

Infuriatingly to Vila, a tiny, amused smile graced Avon's lips as he cocked his head up at Vila. "What's so bad about that?"

"What's so bad…" Vila sputtered. "You haven't been around Deltas enough if you have to ask that." He paused to run a hand through his hair, before resuming his pacing. "Among Deltas," he explained, "sex is for making babies. Period. And the very idea of having sex with someone of your own sex is…well, it's just not done! I know, I know. Among you Alphas it's different." He grew quiet. "Deltas do get forced by Alphas, all the time. They either try to forget it – if their families will let them – or…they die from rejection by their own families."

He dropped to kneel before Avon. "I…never had thought like that…about you…before. I shouldn't have them now! What am I going to do, Avon? Please help me." He slumped back on his heels, head hanging in dejection and misery.

Choosing his words as carefully as he knew how, Avon began trying to put the pieces of his friend back together again. "Vila," he explained, "among Alphas, same-sex couplings are accepted as normal, except where children are wanted. In the crèche, the saying went, 'Why eliminate half the population just because of their sex?' We experimented with both sexes as a matter of course. I…can see that with your background, the very idea would be shocking and unpleasant, but it's still a normal human thought at some time in your life."

He was about to go on spouting platitudes in search of the right balm for Vila's troubled soul, when Vila burst out, "That's just the problem. The idea wasn't unpleasant." He was staring into Avon's deep dark eyes, his own blazing with something Avon didn't dare put a name to just yet.

Shaken and at a loss for words, Avon held Vila's eyes for an endless moment before daring to say quietly, "Then do something about it."

In the heat of the moment and the emotions raging through Vila, he did exactly what Avon wanted him to do. He gripped Avon's upper arms tightly and pressed his lips to Avon's in a fierce, starved kiss that left them both breathless when finally Avon's hands gently pushed Vila back.

Huskily, Avon said, "There are more…comfortable places to discuss this, I think, Vila." Lithely uncoiling from the floor, he extended his hand to help Vila up, scarcely breathing lest he refuse.

With only a brief hesitation, Vila accepted Avon's offered hand. Rising, they stood almost nose to nose, eyes searching and finding a common need for each other, born perhaps of their two years of almost exclusive friendship or maybe just the currents of fate joining. In that moment they only knew they needed each other, with a desperation that wouldn't and couldn't be denied.

Retaining Vila's hand in his, Avon let him into the bedroom. He hoped Vila wouldn't hate him in the morning, but resolved to make the experience as pleasurable for Vila as he knew how.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"You have to get Vila out of there!" Avon stormed into Master Elbe's face. "You can't just let him rot! Do something!"

"Young man, I can't do a thing for him."

The man's calm voice infuriated Avon even more. He leaned on braced arms over Elbe's desk, glowering down at the seated master thief. A rather large man with a florid complexion that spoke to Avon of too much wine and fine food, still he had about him an air of authority and power.

Avon was grabbed from behind and hauled back by two of Elbe's bodyguards. All the fight drained out of him, as he realized that Elbe meant what he'd said. There wasn't anything he could do to help Vila or to get him out of prison.

"If you're through threatening me, young man," he emphasized the last two words as he rose from his chair, "perhaps there are one or two things I can do for you and Journeyman Restal. I can find out where they've sent him. I can make it possible for you two to communicate through letters. I cannot get him released, however. It was unfortunate that he was apprehended, through no fault of his own. However, he knew the risks and now he must accept the consequences. Do you understand?" It was his turn to be intimidating, and he'd lots more practice than Avon.

Accepting defeat rankled Avon and not being able to help Vila hurt him even more, but if this was the only way to help Vila, he'd swallow his Alpha pride enough to at least appear grateful.

"Thank you, sir. That would be very good of you. I'll give you my address…"

"I know where you live, Kerr Avon. I've known all about you and Restal for years now." He smiled at Avon's astonishment. "Information is my stock in trade. I make it my business to know everything I can about everyone I deal with. You and Restal are no exception. For example, I know he taught you to break into security systems and you taught him about computerized systems. I know you used that skill to acquire…knowledge that helped advance your position." He crooked an inquiring eyebrow at Avon. "Are you quite happy in that Aquitar Project?"

Gulping at the knowledge that he was quite out of his depth with this man, Avon nodded mutely.

"Good. Perhaps someday you can do me a good turn with your computers?" Avon felt that was more of a threat than a question and numbly nodded again.

"As to your…living arrangements, what my people do on their own time is their business. Mine, however, is who they choose to do it with. I know you two have been together for a long time, and that it caused a rift with his family. Knowing Deltas, that must have hurt him immensely." He turned to stare hotly into Avon's eyes. "I hope you're worth it, Kerr Avon. Vila's the most talented thief I've ever seen. One day, he'll be master here, if he survives you!" Elbe poked a finger at Avon, who wanted to back up but was frozen to the spot. "So have a care, because I will be watching you now."

"Now get out of here. I have work to do." He gestured and the guards hauled Avon out to the street and roughly thrust him on his way.

Picking himself up off the sidewalk, Avon fastidiously dusted himself off. The interview with Elbe hadn't gone as he'd planned it, but apparently he'd gotten all he could from the man. The added knowledge that Elbe knew altogether too much about himself and Vila did nothing for Avon's peace of mind, either.

Well, at least Vila and I will be able to write. That's something, anyway, he thought, trying to keep his mind in a positive vein. With good behavior, Vila should be out in less than his five-year sentence. That thought brought such a sudden lump to his throat that for a moment he couldn't even breathe. Whatever happens, he vowed to himself, I'll be here for Vila when he gets out.

From then on, his life was defined by their letters to each other, for four and a half years.

***

_Avon: They say this will reach you, but they won't tell me how. I hope it's true. I miss you so much and I'm scared of this place. I guess I've been lucky so far, not to get caught. Well, it's my turn now, isn't it?_

_Since I'm new here, I get the dirtiest jobs in recycling and hydroponics. Guess I smell pretty ripe most of the time, even with twice weekly showers. The other prisoners keep away from me pretty much. From what I've heard, that's to my advantage. I hope my luck holds out, but I won't count on it._

_Take care of yourself, my friend. You're not alone. We're just apart for a time._

_Vila_

***

Vila: Your letter got to me all right. Someone I didn't know just knocked on our door, handed it to me, and left without a single word. On the off-chance that the same pattern will be repeated soon, I'm writing this letter to have it ready.

Aquitar Project is the right place for me to be right now. I have access to information and equipment that is a joy to handle. I'm acquiring a reputation as an eager beaver, I fear, because I'd rather spend my time at work than go home to our empty apartment. I'm not a pleasant person to be around, though, as I'm sure all my colleagues will attest. My work is consistently above the norm and ahead of schedule, so I think no one can complain enough about me to get me taken off the project.

I have met some other workers on the project. One, a redhead named Tynus, has been persistently friendly, although I've given him no encouragement. He won't take my normal surly behavior as a 'no' and I just can't seem to discourage him.

What did you mean in your letter, you're lucky to be smelly?

Yes, I'll try to remember, love, that you are just away, not gone. Take care.

Avon

***

_Avon: The pattern here is much the same. An inmate I didn't know dropped your letter in my lap just before lockup last night. I'm writing this the following night. I hope he comes by soon._

_Today I got moved into the laundry operation. Well, at least I'll feel clean for awhile. It means trouble for me, though. I'll have to find a protector soon, Avon. I'm sorry. I wouldn't, if I had a choice, but I don't. Please forgive me, Avon. It has nothing to do with us. It's just what I have to do to survive. Surely you of all people can understand survival._

_Take care, beloved. You aren't alone._

_Vila_

***

Vila: Forgive you? For what? I don't understand. Why do you need a protector in prison? What's there to survive from?

That Tynus has taken to hanging around wherever I go regularly. He's becoming quite a pain.

I heard from your master yesterday. He made a request for my 'expertise' that I couldn't deny. It's sort of payment for our access to each other. It's no big deal and I was glad to pay for our privileges.

Please write soon. I'm concerned by the tone of your last letter.

Avon.

***

_Avon: I'm sorry I worried you needlessly. I was right, though. I found out rather quickly that I did need a protector. I looked around and picked the best one I could find, the strongest and the cleanest. Then I brought myself to his attention by strolling into his locked cell after lockup. He was impressed enough to give me a try-out, and I guess he was pleased, because now he's my protector and I'm safe. That means he gets my favors and my services in exchange for keeping other inmates and guards off me._

_I think I'm glad you're finding friends on the project. Anything so you're occupied and with other people, anyway._

_Take care, Avon._

_Vila._

***

Vila: I think I'm beginning to get the drift of your letters finally. I never thought about what life must be like in prison, I guess. By services I assume you mean you open things for this 'protector'. By favors I fear you mean you open yourself to him. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this idea. I felt we were a couple, forever and ever, and all that. I just never thought what would happen if we were separated or fell out of love with each other or fell in love with anyone else. It's a new idea that I'll have to think on.

Tynus has insinuated himself into my life at work. He seems to be everywhere I look. I think he's stalking me! Amusing, isn't it?

Avon

***

_Avon: I didn't mean to upset you, really. It's just a matter of survival with me, you have to know that. It's you I love, never forget that. Without a protector, I'd be easy prey for every bully and sadist in this place and believe me there are a lot of them. Please understand, Avon._

_As for this Tynus fellow, watch out, will you? You may not believe it, but even at your surliest you are a very sexy and attractive man. I think Tynus is setting his cap for you. Be careful, love._

_Vila_

***

Vila: I've thought about us a lot since my last letter. I guess I have no say in what you do in prison for survival, just as you wouldn't say anything about what I have to do out here. For survival. I find I can't stand the loneliness much longer. Without you here, where I can touch you, be with you, share everything with you, there is a void that gapes, urging me, no, tugging at me, calling me to fall into it. I fear that way lies the madness of that first time we met. Do you remember? I'm sure we'd both rather avoid a repeat of that particular problem.

Your master called upon my services again. It was really quite a simple job, given my expertise in computers and access to Aquitar's equipment. It seemed to satisfy him, though. His agent promised a continuation of our communications.

That Tynus fellow just won't give up. Now he's trying to get me to join his 'cell' of rebels within Aquitar. He says my computer skills would be of great assistance to the 'Cause', as he puts it. I've no doubt they would, but I'm reluctant to become involved with those dreamy-eyed idealists he runs with. They seem to want change instantly, with no bloodshed, and certainly no idea of how to handle the world after it's theirs! Obviously, they have never studied or been allowed to study history. I know the Federation doesn't teach more than a watered down version, but the facts are there for those with enough intelligence to go looking for them.

This letter seems to go on forever, doesn't it? Sorry if I've rambled. I've no one else to talk to and the only one I wish I could talk to is you. Take care, Vila.

Avon

***

_Avon: I don't know where to start replying to your last letter. _

_Of course I don't want you to fall into that void of so long ago. Do whatever you must, but don't allow yourself to get that low in spirit, please? For me?_

_Another job for my master, huh? Be careful, love. He'll suck you into things you won't understand until it's too late to save yourself. You haven't had a lifetime of training and learning in the criminal world like I have and you really are a babe in the woods where they are concerned. I just wish I knew someone out there I could trust to advise you, but anyone I know would just take advantage of you themselves._

_I don't like the sound of this Tynus. Rebels?! My gods, they're everywhere, like gnats, and just about as effective. Stay away from them. Not only will they use you but they could get you killed, too._

_You mentioned learning the facts about history? Well, I'd just been transferred to the prison library, so I decided to test your theory. As usual, you are right. With a bit of digging, I found out a ton of stuff I never knew about history. I think it has whet my appetite, though, 'cause I can't seem to get enough now. I have to keep it under wraps, though. If a Delta started coming across as smart in here, he'd get the floor wiped up with him, and I have no intention of letting that happen to me. I'll just put up a 'façade' (new word!) for them and keep it all to myself._

_Speaking of long letters, I guess it's catching. Anyway, take care of yourself, please?_

_Vila_

***

Vila: I know, I know what you think of these rebels, but there is a certain fascination in them for me. I'm such a realist, that they are really a different breed entirely from you and me. Tynus has introduced me to some of the others that either work on the project or are part of his rebel cell. One is named Del Grant. He looks a lot like you, actually: blond and good looking. However, he's not interested in me like Tynus is. Oh, yes, I'm sure now that's what's on his mind. What I'm not sure of is what I'm going to do about it. Vila, I need someone so much. Without you, I'm feeling more and more lost and disconnected. I know I said I'd hoped we would be with each other forever, but obviously that's not to be, for awhile anyway. You have your protector. In a sense, that's what I'm looking for, too. Please don't feel badly toward me, Vila.

I'm glad you are availing yourself of the learning opportunities there. By the way, what form does this 'façade' of yours take? I find myself curious about who you'd become and if I'd recognize you.

Be careful, Vila.

Avon

***

_Avon: I told you to do anything you felt necessary to avoid that black pit of despair we both remember. If Tynus offers you what you feel you need now, then how could I feel badly toward you, love? Just be careful you don't lose your heart to him, please? I like to consider it mine still._

_My 'façade', huh? Well, when I recently acquired a new protector I had it firmly in place, so that's all he and his friends expect of me now. To them, I'm 'that cowering, whining Delta thief.' Oh yes, thieving is high on the list of things that make me desirable. Though, to be honest, not at the top. I'm finding lots of men in here that know more than I do about thieving, lockpicking, and scams. That is, they know more than I do now, but I'm learning from them whenever I can. Hey, maybe when I get out of here I'll know more than my master! I wonder how that will sit with him?_

_Do what you must, love._

_Vila_

***

Vila: I have to be honest with you, Vila. Tynus has moved in with me. I found I just couldn't bear to live alone any longer. It's not that I don't still love you. It's just that I can't stand to be alone! It seemed like a good idea, especially since I'm helping him with a 'project' that I can't talk about. I refused to join the rebel cell, though, so they 'hired' me to do this work for them. I'm seeing more of Del Grant, too. I like his company. He's intelligent and as much of a realist as I am. He said he's going to introduce me to his sister. Says we'll get along fine because we're a lot alike. I'm not sure how to take that, but I guess I'll find out soon enough. We're all invited to a party at Del's this weekend.

So you're learning enough to be better than your master, huh? He once told me you were the most talented thief he'd ever seen and would be master in his place someday. Maybe he'll consider this prison stay part of your education.

Avon

***

_Avon: My master really said that? I'm shocked! I wondered for a moment what you were doing even talking to him, but I guess you were making arrangements for our communications. I wish I could have seen you and him together. Must have been some meeting._

_Tynus, huh? Thought you were put off by him. Guess he changed your mind. Yeah, I'm jealous. I don't begrudge you the company, though, even, well, that way._

_Del Grant sound interesting, but this 'project' sounds dangerous. Please be careful, love. You really wouldn't last long in here, not as beautiful as you are._

_Vila_

***

Vila: Yes, I'm being very careful! Stop being such a mother hen. I do not plan to be caught, either. Just reading your letters is quite enough to put the fear of ever being in prison into me, to say the least.

The party at Del's turned out to be a farewell party. He's leaving Earth to work with the rebels in the Outer Worlds. I did meet his sister, though. What a beautiful, fragile, little thing she is. And so intelligent and quick-witted, too. Del was right. We did get along very well. In fact, we spent most of the evening sitting on the floor in the corner just talking. Would you believe it? Me, spending that much time talking to a woman, and she seemed to be having a good time, too. I find myself hoping I'll see her again sometime. Probably not, though, now that her brother is gone.

My 'project' is going quite well. Actually, it's a joint affair with Tynus. He's quite good with computers in his own right. Nowhere near as good as I am, of course. I'm planning to use the money I'm earning to get parts for a special research project of my own. Aquitar doesn't see me nearly as much after work hours as it used to. I fear my reputation is slipping.

Avon

***

_Avon: And why shouldn't any intelligent person enjoy an evening just talking with you? I know I would. I even sometimes dream about doing that again._

_Del Grant left Earth? Sorry to hear you've lost a friend and that I'll probably never get to meet him._

_So you're partnered with Tynus on this 'project'? Somehow that doesn't make me feel any better. I do hope you get the money for your own project, though._

_Watch your back, huh?_

_Vila_

***

_Avon: Answer me! It's been three weeks now and I'm going nuts imagining what's happening to you! If I don't hear from you soon, I'll be forced to contact my master and send HIM after you._

_Please write soon. Please?_

_Vila_

***

_Avon: My master says this will reach you, wherever you are. I hope he's right. I've heard nothing from you in over two months! Have you stopped loving me? Or has something violent happened to you? Or did you get yourself caught? _

_Answer me, Avon. I'm going crazy in here!_

_Vila_

***

Vila: I'm sorry I worried you. I did get caught—working on the rebels' project. They caught me, but they missed getting Tynus and I didn't turn him in, either. The Feds interrogated me. NOT a pleasant experience! They only gave me a year's suspended sentence. My employers at Aquitar vouched for my work record and the fact that I didn't have a criminal record at all must have helped. Believe me, I'll be on my best behavior for a year, at least. This brush with the Feds and the law has given me more appreciation for the rebels' ideals, but made me certain that I never want to connect with the rebels or the Feds again. They can fight it out without my participation in the future, thank you!

I'm back at work and living a very monkish life for the time being. I don't know where Tynus is yet. I think he's afraid to return to me, and I don't blame him. The only person I have to spend my off hours with is Anna Grant, Del's sister. She looked me up after my trial, just a friendly visit. Anyway, we go out a couple of times a week, to talk about everything under the sun. She's so intelligent and witty, Vila, that she fills in those dark places we're both so afraid of.

Again, Vila, I'm sorry I worried you. I will be more careful in the future.

Avon

***

_Avon: What a relief it was to hear from you! I'd been impossible to live with for weeks, I'm told. That suspended sentence was also probably because you're an Alpha. No past record wouldn't have been enough for a Delta, believe me!_

_So Tynus is gone, huh? Can't say I'm sorry. This Anna seems to be good for you, though. Maybe I'll meet her someday._

_Have a care, love, hear?_

_Vila_

***

Vila: I don't know how to say this to you, but we've always been honest with each other. I think I'm in love with Anna.

Now, wait a minute! That doesn't mean I've stopped loving you. It's different with her. It's been years since I've been with a woman, but it felt so good, Vila! She makes me feel alive and like there's an unlimited future out there for me. I find I want to protect her and give her everything money can buy.

Of course, I'll have to get the money first. I'm working on that. If it works out like I've planned, within the year I'll be able to give her all that she deserves.

Vila, I want you to be happy for me, please? Don't be mad at me. I don't think I could stand that just now. Write to me soon, please?

Avon

***

_Avon: I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. I had to think things over before I could write you. First, I'm glad you're happy with Anna, and that you have someone to keep you from being alone again. Second, I'm as surprised as you are that you've found a woman to your taste. Oh, well, one never knows. Third, what's this thing you're working on to get all the money you need? Doesn't sound safe to me, especially with you being under suspended sentence. And fourth, of course I'm not mad at you, and I am happy for you. If I can't be there for you, at least someone else can be. I hope she's worthy of you, though._

_Please be careful, huh? Being in here is the most frustrating thing that's ever happened to me. I feel like the world is passing me by. Well, maybe it's just your world that is passing me by._

_Vila_

***

Vila: Thank you, old friend, for being happy for me. You still have a place in my heart, you know. Forever.

Anna has moved in with me, at least part of the time. She's told me she's married, Vila. She hadn't wanted to tell me because he's a rather important person in the Federation. She doesn't love him, though. She loves me! As soon as I have the money, we'll go away together. Leave Earth and the Federation and its repression behind. Her husband, too! I hope you'll be able to follow us someday, Vila. I really do.

Avon

***

_Avon: She's what? You're going to do what? This is taking too many chances, Avon! You're just not well enough connected to get away with that kind of thing. You'll get caught, sure as anything. At least go talk to my master, please? Then take the advice he gives you. He's lived among crimos all his life and has kept away from the Federation just as long, so he knows what he's talking about. Even if you won't listen to me, at least listen to him. Please? For me?_

_Vila_

***

Vila: I talked to your master. He failed to convince me. Vila, I must do this, for myself and for Anna and for our future together. Despite what you may think, I really can take care of myself. You aren't the only one who can learn, all right?

Stop worrying, please.

Avon

***

_Avon: I'm finally getting out! I've been 'good' they say and I'll be paroled out of here within the next few weeks. I can't believe I'll soon be able to see you again! I'll let you know when exactly, as soon as I find out! I'm so excited I can hardly sit still long enough to write this._

_Be careful, love. I still think you're in over your head. Wait for me, please?_

_Vila_

***

_Avon: I doubt my master will be able to get this to you, but I'll write it anyway. I heard about your scam and how you were caught. I'm sorry about Anna, too. I'll be out of here in a few days, but that doesn't seem to matter anymore, since you're in prison now, and sentenced to Cygnus Alpha. It's just not fair, it isn't! I wait all these years to get out just to be with you, and when it's all finally happening, you go and get caught embezzling, of all things. Oh, I know you didn't tell them how you did it or where the money is, but it's gotten you transported, for gods' sake! You'll be shipped out with a lot of hard cases and I'll never see you again!_

_Why am I railing at you, love? You're in enough trouble without me hitting you too, I guess. As soon as I get out of here, I'm going straight to my master to see what he'll be able to do for you. Well, for us, I guess. I just can't bear the thought of you being transported. You're just not strong enough to withstand that, not alone, anyway. I still don't know how I'll manage it, but, love, I won't let them send you to Cygnus Alpha alone. Please believe me!_

_Love always,_

_Vila_

***

The hand shook his shoulder again, as a voice tried to penetrate his fog of despair. "Avon? Snap out of it, Avon! Answer me. Now!"

He jolted up, startled by a familiar and well-loved voice.

"Vila?" His eyes flew open and he was staring into Vila's warm brown eyes. "Is it really you, Vila? But how…?"

Vila smiled and sat down next to him on the cot, pleased to have found Avon at a loss for words. "I couldn't get you out of here and I couldn't let you go alone, could I? I promised long ago that you'd never have to be alone by choice again, didn't I? So here I am. Are you glad to see me?"

He waited, with a little uncertainty, for Avon's answer. The two of them hadn't met face to face for over five years, and Vila wasn't quite sure of his reception. Avon didn't smile, but Vila knew he was glad to see him when Avon reached out and clasped his arm and squeezed it, staring into his eyes all the time. "Oh, yes, I most certainly am glad to see you, however you managed it. Yes, my friend, I am glad to see you."

_A/N: One more chapter, to wrap up the story and bring it full circle._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

When Vila awoke from the healing sleep a second time after the mission, he knew. Everything had changed and nothing would ever be right again.

Ticking off his problems in his head, he didn't even bother to open his eyes to survey his surroundings.

First, Blake and Cally and Gan were gone, leaving him with an arrogant Alpha pilot, a murderous gunslinger, a child, and…Avon.

Second, he was too well known to the Federation to ever blend into the general population again, no matter how far out he went.

Third, Avon was clearly psychotic, even if the others couldn't or wouldn't see it.

Fourth, every mission Avon led them on was more dangerous than the last. Sooner or later, he was going to get them all killed.

And fifth, this last mission had nearly gotten him killed, which, to Vila's way of thinking, would have been preferable to what he had to awake to now.

The raid was for crystals they need. It was supposed to be a quick in-and-out, but as usual something went wrong. While the old mine had looked deserted, it had in fact been occupied by hostile natives. In a vain attempt to escape their wrath, Soolin, Tarrant, and Vila had ducked into the mine shaft itself. Fire from the natives and the dilapidated condition of the shaft caused a cave-in that kept the natives out, but trapped Scorpio's crew inside. Automatically teleporting out, Soolin and Tarrant hadn't been aware that Vila was still trapped beneath the debris, with a broken teleport bracelet.

By the time they returned and dug Vila out, the damage was well and truly done. Not as sophisticated as Liberator, the Scorpio's medical unit was unable to remedy the concussion Vila suffered beneath the rockfall. ORAC could only suggest some rather severe and expensive surgery, not within reach at the moment. ORAC's only glimmer of hope was that the condition might gradually rectify itself.

Vila knew in his heart that he'd never get better. The aphasia that the concussion had caused resulted in his being unable to even hold a lockpick, let alone remember how to use one. He'd found he couldn't read, either. Learning of the diagnosis and prognosis had sent Vila into a screaming panic that only another dose of tranquilizer had been able to stop. As he lost consciousness, a small part of his mind saw Avon standing in the med unit's doorway, dark, unsmiling, calculating.

He was still pretending to be asleep, when he heard voices in the corridor.

Tarrant's voice, exasperated: "What good is he to us if he can't pick locks and open doors or help run the ship or the base? And don't tell me he can memorize the controls, either. Too many of the important ones have alphabetic readouts. He'd only get us all killed that way. Face it, Soolin. He's worse than useless; he's a danger and a liability to us now.

Soolin, trying to talk sense into Tarrant: "That doesn't mean he's useless, does it? There must be something he can do. Think, Tarrant."

Tarrant, sounding disgusted: "Yeah, get drunk and stay that way. I wouldn't even trust him with the food processing. We'd all be poisoned!"

Soolin: "What does Avon say?"

Tarrant, bitterness fairly oozing from his voice: "As usual, nothing. He's not dealing with the problem, so maybe it'll go away. He's shut away with ORAC, probably planning our next suicide mission!"

Upset and hurting though Vila was, he had to agree with the young pilot on that point. Maybe he wouldn't have to be this useless for long. Maybe he'd get killed sooner than later, and spare them all his presence and uselessness.

Groaning softly to himself, Vila rolled onto his side and curled up into a small, miserable ball, the tears leaking from his eyes soaking the thin pillow.

***

It had been a few days since Dayna had released Vila from the medical unit. None of the others had even suggested what Vila should do with himself, so he tried to keep out of their way as much as possible. On Xenon Base there were more hidey holes than even Vila had yet found.

And he used them all. The others scarcely knew he was around. Even Avon seldom spied more than his retreating back.

In his hiding places, Vila sat and thought.

He remembered his past, both before and after meeting Avon on that bridge. He recalled his prison years, what he'd learned and what had happened to Avon without him. He examined their years on the Liberator and now on the Scorpio and Xenon Base.

He called up the faces of people he'd known and loved. Blake, who had usurped Vila's place in Avon's bed. Gan, the gentle giant who had been Vila's friend and protector. Cally, lovely, exotic, friendly Cally. Jenna, fiery, fierce, golden.

Lastly, he contemplated Kerr Avon. The boy he'd first met. The young man he'd fallen in love with. The criminal he'd followed even as Avon followed Blake. The madman he'd become without the stabilizing influences of Blake and Cally.

When all was said and done, he'd had quite a life.

But now, he determined, was the time to end it. He had nothing to live for and not even any way to take care of himself. Smiling wryly, he remembered telling Avon once that he couldn't even imagine living without family and friends. Well, now he could imagine it. Quite clearly. Now, he was living it.

Now, he made his way silently to Xenon's medical unit once more. At least I haven't forgotten how to move silently, he thought calmly, slipping into the thankfully empty medbay. It was a bit more advanced than Scorpio's, though it couldn't help his condition any.

At least it had a good store of medical drugs, bottle and vials and boxes of it. Using a stray piece of equipment, he broke through the glass door, cringing at both the noise and the fact that he was reduced to physically breaking into anywhere. No more clean picking of locks for him. Smash and break, that was him.

Grabbing all the drugs he could carry, he arrayed them across the examination table, coming face to face with an unexpected problem: how could he figure out which ones would be most effective in ending his life, when he couldn't read the labels? Considering a moment, he decided to take several of each, on the theory that whatever each did alone would be amplified when they all came together in his stomach.

He was contemplating his first handful when a voice startled him into dropped the whole mess.

"Hey, that's no way to go, Vila."

He whirled, to find Avon leaning, arms folded, against the open door.

"Go away, Avon, and leave me in peace!"

"Nope. I'll just stand here and wait."

Vila decided to ignore Avon. He tried to concentrate on accumulating another handful of drugs. Without looking up, he asked distractedly, "Wait for what?"

"For you to decide."

"For me to decide what?" These interruptions by Avon were becoming irritating.

"Whether this is really the way you want to end your life," came the reasonable answer.

"What do you care? What business is it of yours anyway? You don't care about anyone but yourself anymore, do you?" Vila refused to look up, but he'd stopped emptying bottles of pills, just standing there, arms braced on the table.

"I do care, Vila, even if I don't show it like I used to. You aren't alone.

"Look at me, Vila!" Avon commanded sharply.

Slowly, Vila turned to face his former lover, standing mutely staring at Avon.

The tech shoved off the door frame and carefully and cautiously moved into the room, fearful that he'd set Vila off again. He wanted in the worst way to touch Vila, to hold him, to reassure him, but feared to.

Holding himself rigidly still, almost nose to nose with Vila, he breathed softly, "Do you really…want to…die, Vila?" He waited, scarcely breathing. It was so quiet he felt Vila must surely be able to hear his heart beating wildly.

Vila stared back, no expression on his face to give Avon a clue of what was going on in his head. Then, Vila slowly wilted, coming to rest cross-legged on the floor. Avon followed him down, then drew him into his arms, resting the blond head on his shoulder as the slighter man broke down, wracked by gales of sobs.

Just as Avon thought he'd surely choke or asphyxiate himself, Vila began to quiet. Into the silence that followed, Avon whispered, "You okay, friend?"

"No, and I don't think I ever will be," came the muffled answer.

Hugging him tightly and rocking slightly, Avon said into his friend's hair, "I'll try to be here for you, Vila, like you did for me. And…I have an idea that might help you."

That got a reaction from Vila. Pushing away from Avon, he turned to focus on Avon's face.

"An idea?" he asked cautiously. Avon rejoiced inwardly to have gotten even a spark of hope out of Vila.

"First, I've been talking to ORAC."

With a grimace, Vila broke in, "What could that box of tarriel cells do to help me?"

"That 'box of tarriel cells' had a lot to say about your situation. According to his research, it's probable that you can be taught to read again and, with some physical training and time, your skill with lockpicks will come back too." Avon turned his head away from Vila, a tiny smile flirting with his lips. "I…just happen to know a…rusty lockpick who just might be persuaded to teach you what he remembers." When he ventured to look again at Vila, he found the beginnings of a smile on his lips.

Avon produced a small device from a picket. "This is something ORAC and I developed for the meantime, just until you…can read for yourself again." He handed it to Vila who turned it over and over in his hands, trying to decipher its use. It looked rather like an unfriendly shaver that had mated with a flashlight.

"You'll have to tell me what this is, ya know, Avon."

"It's a scanner that will read for you. It's…like your own private storyteller. Go ahead, try it."

Holding it gingerly, Vila got up and glance around for something to try it on. His eyes fell on the array of drugs and he flinched at what he'd almost done. Selecting one at random, he ran the scanner across its label…and almost dropped it as ORAC's voice intoned, *Aspirin. Useful for headaches and minor aches and pains. Dosage: Take two and consult a physician.*

Vila began to laugh. "Aspirin! I was trying to end it all with aspirin!" His laughter grew louder and more hysterical until Avon came up behind him and wrapped his arms around the thief.

"It's all right, Vila, really. I'm here. Soon…" he gulped, "soon, I hope, we'll be able to put this all behind us. I've…decided I have to find Blake. I have to give this whole damn rebellion back to him. It was never mine and I can't sustain it any longer."

Then he turned the quieter Vila within the circle of his arms.

"Vila, I promise, as soon as I can find Blake and return this damn cause to him, we'll go away somewhere together. Somewhere safe where we can be happy like we were before. Just the two of us."

Vila's arms gripped Avon's back as their lips met in a gentle kiss, a comfort, but from and to which man, neither could be sure.

Vila tried not to think, to just be, now that he was back in Avon's arms, but his mind, even impaired, would not be fooled.

Oh, Avon, he thought, I wish it were that simple. I'll try to believe in your fairy tale, as long as I can, and maybe that'll help you believe in it too, but I won't hold my breath. If you don't find Blake soon, the madness will overwhelm you and drag you and me and probably the others as well down the same deadly spiral you and I know so well. I hope I'm wrong, Avon. I really hope I'm wrong.

Silencing his traitorous mind, Vila gave himself up to the comfort of Avon's arms.

_A/N: I hope you enjoyed the story. Please review, if you would. What did you like and not like? Was there anything missing you would have liked to see or know?_

_Thanks for reading this story!_


End file.
